What If

My doubts surrounding my wellness showed up in the form of “what ifs”. The “what ifs” became unwanted guests within my mind.

If I’m honest, and that is the purpose of this blog, fear has ruled so much of my life that I am having to learn how to live outside of it. One of the things that I feared for so long without even knowing it was getting well. I knew what it was like to be in the depths of depression and anxiety, but I could not remember what it was like to live without it. To those who don’t understand mental illness this may sound ridiculous. Who doesn’t want to get better and live a life that’s whole?! I never said that I didn’t want to get better, I said I feared getting better.

My entire world came crashing down on me in 2011 and I have been fearful of falling back into that hole of despair ever since. Full disclosure, I am a control freak, or so I’ve been told. I have never liked not having a plan. Being unreliable is still a pet peeve of mine today. When my mental wellness betrayed me I was no longer in control. Not being in control of my life was beyond fearful, so not trusting my progress and healing made sense to me.

Here’s the kicker! I survived my attempt and breakdown but I was held captive to them because I lived with so much fear. In some ways it was the fear of the future that created the comfort within my depression. I feared my healing just as much as I feared my illness. As a matter of fact, I had so many fears that it was hard to enjoy the victory of surviving.

If you have suffered from a mental illness, or supported someone with a mental illness, you are aware that there can be ups and downs along the way. I have been diagnosed with a major depressive disorder recurrent. The “recurrent” hangs over my head like a fragile chandelier. I have experienced the recurrence of my depression enough times to give myself some grace about doubting my mental stability. My doubts surrounding my wellness showed up in the form of “what ifs”. The “what ifs” became unwanted guests within my mind. What if I had a panic attack in public? What if I started crying for no reason in particular? What if I couldn’t find my escape route quick enough? What if I hurt myself again? I was following my treatment plan, but what if it wasn’t enough? What would people think if my “what ifs” manifested?

It’s been a long road but I am learning to drown the negativity of “what if” and replace them with the optimism of “what if”. What if I have fun?! What if I am successful?! What if I make an unrepeatable memory?! What if I am able to enjoy the present?! I am worth every positive “what if” that presents itself. This blog is a “what if”. What if it helps one person along their journey to wellness? What if this blog lets someone know that they are not alone? What if it gives voice to mental illness and those who suffer silently? What if one person finds the strength within to keep going? I am learning that I am worth the good that “what if” brings. I challenge you to believe that you are worth all of the endless possibilities of “what if” too!