When I was hospitalized as a result of my depression I was in a hospital where addicts and alcoholics were hospitalized as well. Our units were separate, but we had several day group sessions together. During the evenings the psych patients would delve deeper into groups that specifically addressed mental illness and the addiction patients would cover living with addiction. I never quite understood why the two programs would have group sessions together. In my mind our issues were completely different. I didn't have an uncontrollable urge for depression so it didn't make sense that we would participate in the same counseling sessions. I hated depression. I just wanted to figure out a way to be anything other than depressed. It never occurred to me that an addict hated addiction and wanted to figure out a way to be anything other than an addict. Just as their addiction consumed them, my depression consumed me. We all needed tools to thrive, and not just survive.
One day after a time of healing when I felt that I had the tools to be successful in my recovery I pulled into my garage, let down the garage door and sat in my car wondering what would happen if I didn’t turn the car off. I knew full well what would happen if I didn’t turn the car off. I would die! I couldn’t believe I was at square one again. I had relapsed. I quickly went into panic mode. I called my insurance carrier to get the number of clinics that would accept my plan. I called those facilities and after an assessment I was told that I was not in crisis. It was true that I wasn’t in crisis, but I was terrified that my mind went there. I wasn’t at square one but I no longer felt secure in my mental wellness. While I did have suicidal thought, I did not give in to it I used my tools. I called my psychiatrist. I had an emergency session with my therapist. While I had a scary moment and felt like I had relapsed in such a way that I couldn’t return from, I realized with the help of my therapist that I wasn’t where I was before my attempt. That day when I pulled into my garage I didn't think that I was suicidal, but I couldn’t deny that there was a thought.
My dad was an alcoholic. I remember one time I went to his house and he had a beer in his hand. He hadn't drank in about 12 years so I couldn’t understand why he would be drinking a beer. I asked him what made him get the beer? He said he was just feeling down and wanted a beer. I told him that he could always call me if he felt down. I offered to take him to a rehab program at the VA. He declined both and told me not to worry.
All of those times when I was in a mental health facility, inpatient or outpatient, and I had group sessions with addicts I didn’t get the similarities in what they were experiencing and what I was experiencing. I wonder what it would like now that I understand that we need similar treatment plans. Whereas I go to therapy, they go to AA. They have a hard time fighting the urge to use and/ or drink again. I have a hard time fighting negative thoughts.
One thing that I can say as a psych patient is that relapses are not failure. When relapses occur it is an opportunity to use the resources that I have been working on in order to get back to a place of stability and wellness. Going for a walk or sitting outside is very therapeutic for me. I take supplemental vitamin D3 (a very high dose of vitamin D) when my mood dips because it helps with depression. I force myself to participate in self-care activities. I rest. I don’t feel guilty for my low energy or my need for extra rest. Just like with addiction, my mental wellness is one day at a time. I keep working on my wellness journey so that if I have a setback I can quickly refer to the things that I have learned along the way. My life's worth living. Not only is my life worth living but it’s worth enjoying. There was a time that I simply existed. This is no longer true. I am worth the continued fight to live my very best life! You are worth it too! Keep fighting!
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