The Mask

There have been times that I have worn the smiling mask as a method of survival. I've worn it at work and in social settings to get through those times. The problem with that was the level of exhaustion that swept over me when it was time to take the mask off.

Do you know why a lot of people don’t know what depression looks like? It’s because a lot of people who suffer from mental illness become great pretenders in order to make those without mental illness feel at ease. Some call it the mask, others call it putting on a happy face.

I have worn a mask for most of my life. If we have ever run in the same circle you know a couple of things about me. One thing you know about me is that I am an excellent listener. The other thing that you know is that I smile a lot.

Listening is a skill set that I learned in my training to help others. I’m not sure when I learned to use it as a method of deflection. Listening is actually one of the masks that I have used so that I don’t have to talk about my feelings. Hiding my feelings has helped me to avoid explaining my feelings. When my mood dips I have rarely known why. In order to avoid my inability to explain the why I've felt a certain way, I've often avoided talking about my feelings. A great way to avoid talking about my feelings has been to listen.

It has taken years of therapy but I've had to learn my triggers. I've had to learn to explain why I feel a certain way. I've had to learn that my feelings are temporary. I do a daily feelings check. I've also had to learn whether my feelings are valid feelings or not. Validating my feelings has more to do with whether the feeling is rational or not. An excellent therapist once said, " just because we think a thought doesn’t mean it’s true". It took practice for me to hold on to that statement and all that it would mean in my wellness journey. There can be an influx of negative thoughts out of nowhere. Reminding myself that most, if not all, of these thoughts are not valid has helped me tremendously. Questioning my thoughts makes me an active participant in controlling my thoughts. Controlling my thoughts is a tool that I will probably use for the rest of my life.

Another mask that I put on as a method of deflection is smiling. Think about it. When we were kids the smiley face let our parents know that we had done something good. Whereas the frowning or sad face was associated with behavior that might disappoint or upset our parents. This is why when someone sees you smiling they relate it to your happiness. This is why smiling was a great way for me to project that I was ok. If my face showed my true feelings it would bring unwanted attention. I told myself that I was faking it until I made it to a place of happiness. When really I was expending energy on an emotion that was not authentic. As a result of the pandemic I did not go out so I did not have to wear the mask as often. I am learning to put forth my genuine feelings, but I definitely slip into my old smiling face habits from time to time. I’ve actually practiced smiling in hopes that it would become more natural and not just a coping mechanism.

There have been times that I have worn the smiling mask as a method of survival. I've worn it at work and in social settings to get through those times. The problem with that was the level of exhaustion that swept over me when it was time to take the mask off. By the time Friday rolled around my bed became my comfort so that I could get up the energy to put my mask back on when Monday rolled around. I am learning that the mask is not my friend. My feelings are not shameful. I do not have to hide them. If I am having a bad day it’s ok. If I have a panic attack or burst into tears the appropriate emotional response from others is that of compassion. Whether people respond in this way is not my concern. I can only take care of myself. Getting myself to a place of acceptance with all that my mental illness entails has been a long road. Moving throughout the world without my mask can be scary at times, but trusting that I am worth living a mask-free life is priceless! We are all worth the chance that we take on our authentic selves. Put down your mask and give it a try. You’re worth it!