The Fight

It is utterly exhausting suffering from a mental illness. Some times are more exhausting than others. My reality is that I do not have the luxury of not fighting. When I want to stop fighting I can't, it's literally a matter of life or death.

Have you ever been in a fight? I have. When I was younger my brother and I would fight like cats and dogs. Well not so much fight like cats and dogs as much as he beat me up a lot. When you're in a fight there are important things to remember if you want to win. 1. Fighting is a mind game. 2. In a fight you should never wait for the other person to punch first. 3. If you get tired while fighting you still have to keep fighting or you'll lose. 4. Fights are always ugly. Think about a boxing match or a fight that you've witnessed. Now think about my points. Do they hold true? What does any of this have to do with my mental health journey? Simple, maintaining my mental wellness is a fight. My fight may look different than a physical fight, but I assure you that the key attributes listed above apply.

My fight for mental stability is a mind game much like that of a physical fight. The mind game comes in the form of smack talk. My depression talking: You can’t beat me. You thought you were better the last time. No one cares. You're all alone. These lies and trash talk can be very overwhelming at times. Because my mind spews lies, I cannot always trust the thoughts that come into my head.

It’s not just about smack talk. You see my mind has a funny way of trying to twist things. Sometimes the twisted tales that are created in my head affect me negatively so I can’t wait for it to happen. I have to strike first. I can't wait for the lie. I have to speak truth to myself whether the lie does or not. I do a lot of positive self-talk to drown out the negative whispers that try to sneak up on me. I work to be present. This helps me to get out of my head. If I am present my mind has a harder time worrying about the past and the future. My thoughts are not as muddled if I can focus on the here and now.

It is utterly exhausting suffering from a mental illness. Some times are more exhausting than others. My reality is that I do not have the luxury of not fighting. When I want to stop fighting I can't, it's literally a matter of life or death. So when I feel like quitting I go to my support system. God is my biggest support. In His wisdom He gave me my second biggest supporter, my mom. Shout out to Clara Knight! There have been times when I didn’t have the fight within me. When I was unable to fight, she stepped in. I don't know the number of times that my mom fought when I couldn’t. She would (and still will) fight until I had (have) the strength to get back in the battle. She's the real MVP! She actually fought me on starting this blog. The things that she has seen and experienced as a result of my mental illness puts her in a perilous place of a constant warrior. I am here today because of her fight. Thanks Lady. I love you Mama.

When I say that all fights are ugly I am not exaggerating. Driving into a ditch, taking pills, and romanticizing death are all very ugly. Being surrounded by people who love you but feeling desperately lonely is ugly. The constant crying, the feeling of hopelessness, the quit are some, but not all, of the ugly parts of my depression. The ugliest part of my depression is that it stole my will to care enough to fight. Depression fights dirty and I hate it. I mean I really hate it!

I usually close each post with an upbeat ending letting you know how I came to understand my worth as a result of the topic that I am writing about. This post is a little harder because I know that while I am in a very healthy place right now I can’t get caught slipping. I pray that you know that you are worth it too. If you are struggling right now, know that you are not alone. You are a part of a fierce group of warriors. Warriors by definition are brave or experienced fighters. Keep fighting. You really are worth it.