Sticky Notes

"You are worth ALL good things that come to you.” This is a mantra that a therapist gave me many many years ago. I wrote it down because I had a hard time accepting when good things would come my way. To be perfectly honest, I did not believe this was true for me when I wrote it down. I mean I believed the words that you are worth all good things that come to you, but I didn’t believe that I was worth all good things that came to me. Instead, I would accept good things that came my way with the idea that something bad was going to happen very soon afterwards. I found myself looking for the bottom to drop out. I always knew it was coming so I would wait on the bad news, the illness, the stress. I was certain that it was right around the corner. I cannot tell you how many wonderful experiences have come my way and I wasn’t able to enjoy them because I was looking for something bad to happen. Do you know how exhausting it is looking at a glass as half full, dreading the day that it’ll be completely empty, all while wondering if the glass will ever be half full again?! This was my view of the world. You have to understand that mental illness is a mind game. You begin to trust that you have conquered it and then the whispers of victory are replaced with daggers of doubt and negativity. It takes a great deal of effort to stop believing the falsities that have been running rampant in your mind.

December of 2020 I decided to stop looking for bad things to happen. God had given me a lot of grace and mercy during my battle for mental stability. I was determined to face it differently if given the chance. I started working out. Shout out to Coach Wesley.! I began to define my boundaries and not allow others to cross them. This has not gone over so well for some people and that's ok. I started being very honest with God, with others, and more importantly with myself. It's weird to say but I also began living. I knew what it was to exist but I'd forgotten what it was like to live. I went to a Monastery to enjoy the beautiful landscape. The landscape was a hit but when I tried being silent my mind would not let me be great. I got a passport and got my first stamp August 2021. My biggest accomplishment to date has been giving myself permission to enjoy life. It's still very new for me. I don't want to give off the perception of never having depressed moments but I no longer put on my depression as a garment never to be taken off. I am on antidepressants. Therapy is an integral part of my journey. Shout out to Lee! It is a daily fight to stay in a place of peace and joy.

I changed the mantra that was given to me so many years ago. It now reads, “I am worth ALL good things that God has for me!" It's on a sticky note on my fridge. I have mantras, positive affirmations, and scriptures all over my house. I need them. They are a constant reminder that while my brain wants me to look for the bad, I deserve the good. I don’t have to wait for trauma, drama, or devastation. I am a visual learner so sometimes I have to read and remind myself that I am strong, that I lack nothing, that I will trust God more than I trust my fears and a million other things. My mind tries to get me to believe a lot of things that simply are not true. One of the many tools I use to combat this is reading positive affirmations and encouraging words. I was told by a therapist that I could not trust my emotions because they lie to me. This is so true. My emotions and my mind want me to believe I am not worth the good that comes my way. My emotions and my brain want me to believe that even if good comes my way it is only temporary and will be taken from me. The word emotion means “ a natural instinctive state of mind deriving from one’s circumstances, mood, or relationship with others”. When I read this definition I realize how many lies my emotions and mind have told me. There was a time that I instinctively believed that others could have joy but I couldn’t. This is no longer true. I now know for a fact that I am worthy of joy, and so are you!