On The Other Side

I was tired. That’s what I told my daddy before I took the pills hoping to end my life. I was tired. I was using everything within me to simply be tired. Taking a lethal amount and combinations of pills were supposed to make the tired go away. I felt like it was the only way to stop feeling tired. I wasn’t being selfish, I was just trying to stop that feeling; that feeling of being tired.

My road to recovery was long and ugly. I’m fortunate in that I don’t remember any of it. I don’t remember in detail my hospitalization, only that it was cold and I wanted to go home. I don’t remember being told to take care of my hygiene. I don’t remember being without words and having to be encouraged to talk. I don’t remember family dinners, school plays, birthdays or holidays. I don’t remember the pain of trying to get my fight back. I know that I needed my fight, but I have no idea how I got it back. Crying, that much I do remember. Every memory that I have I was either crying real tears or crying within. I definitely cried whenever I was alone. That much I do remember.

Prayer, Psychiatrist, Psychological Nurses, Therapist, Lamictal, Effexor, TraZodone, Saphris, ECT, Inpatient Therapy, Partial Outpatient Therapy, Outpatient Therapy in some shape, form, or fashion in a mean rotation and often on repeat have been my reality for over a decade. It is a constant battle. I do not have the luxury of taking days off. My support system is unmatched and I am not lost on the fact that if it were not for them I would not be where I am today.

Today I am on the other side of my suicide attempt. I am healed of the damage that was done to me physically, emotionally, and mentally. I walk in healing because I know that I will never attempt to take my life again. I will put in the work to take care of myself. Being on the other side means practicing intentional self-care. It means actively living. Being on the other side means being aware of when I need a pause. It also means actively seeking support. On the other side of my attempt I know that a depressive episode is not a lifetime. I can make it on the other side of an episode.

My reality is Worth It! The Worth It brand is more than a catchy name or a clothing line. I had to relearn my worth after my attempt. There were a lot of internal scars that needed to heal. Guilt and shame had to be replaced with a purpose for my past. On the other side of my attempt I am clear that my testimony is worth all that I experienced, even the darkest part of it. If you are struggling, know that you can get to the other side. You are so worth it!

*If you, or someone you know, are having thoughts of suicide please seek help. 988 is the National Suicide and Crisis Lifeline.