I have always struggled with the gray areas. I was a type A overachiever for most of my life. I was able to do this because living in black and white was comfortable for me. If there was a rule for it I was going to follow it. If there was a consequence that I could avoid I was going to avoid it. Then came depression. Depression was the black part of life that I could not control. It controlled me. That is how I operated until today.
Today during therapy we talked about gray areas of life and how I struggle with them. Depression actually has gray areas. There is the depletion that depression can bring. There is the relief of making it through a depressive episode. There is the joy that I experience in between episodes. There is the gross part of depression; messy house, poor eating, lack of hygiene. There is the true sense of resting that comes when I am coming out of an episode.
My inability to accept the gray areas of depression stem from my need to be in control. Control is actually the reason that black or white is comforting to me. I know what to expect if I do or do not adhere to the guidelines that are set. What I don’t know is how to handle the gray. I’ve been experiencing a lot of gray lately and it has been causing me angst so when I was able to put words to it today during therapy I felt lighter.
My goal now is to accept the gray areas and to understand that multiple things can be true at once. Let’s use my sonshine as an example because I have been struggling with this particular gray area. Jeremy is my child, but he is also a young adult. Jeremy still respects my opinion but he may not accept my opinion as being true for his life. These are gray areas.
My Type A personality began to dissolve into a puddle before my attempt. My ability to neatly fit areas of my life into boxes of black or white was disappearing and I no longer knew how to maneuver through life. What I held to be true for most of my life was no longer serving me and I didn’t know what that meant. It was uncomfortable. Honestly the gray caused me to lie to myself and others about things that I couldn’t clearly define. Discomfort in the gray areas caused me to lie in black or white. Things were either good or bad. I was either happy or sad. There wasn’t room in my life for the in between or for more than one thing to be true at the same time.
I am now making room for the gray. When we ended therapy today it came with a question that I’ll ask myself when I am tempted to retreat or cower in the face of the gray areas of life. The question is simple, “Can whatever I’m experiencing exist outside of the black and white boxes that I hold deeply within myself?” To add to that, “Can I live in the white without anxiously waiting for the black?” Allowing for gray areas will keep me in the moment of experiencing all that life has to offer. I challenge you to look at the gray areas of your life and to accept them even if they don’t fit neatly into a box. You’re worth it!
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