NORMAL

I am moving to a different city so right now my life is hectic and kinda in chaos. I am always on the go. I travel twice a week to go check on the progress of my remodel. Normal, right? It would be if I didn't have a mental illness, if I wasn’t in the throws of menopause, if I wasn’t tired. I learned a long time ago that fatigue is not my friend. My mood typically dips when I am tired. I begin to feel weepy and overwhelmed. You’d think since I am keenly aware of this I’d put things in place so that I do not get to this point, but I don’t.

My mom encourages me to slow down, but I have a hard time with slowing down. I often feel guilty when I cannot do what I deem as simple. Completing phone calls is simple. Scheduling services to get turned on is simple. Online shopping for new furniture is simple. It’s simple until the details consume you and you begin to drown. My mental illness impacts my concentration and memory (look it up). When I add too many activities into the mundane events of life it becomes too much.

While I can pinpoint the problem I have not mastered implementing the necessary steps in order to avoid a dip. Be honest, how many of you is this true for? You feel tired. You know that you’re overdoing it but you continue because you want to finish the task or you don’t want to let anyone down? I know I'm not the only one guilty of ignoring warning signs.

If I ask myself why do I do this or what do I have to prove? The answer is simple, I want to prove to myself that I am ok. I push myself to see if I am mentally as strong as I used to be. Can I keep going until the task is finished? There have been so many times that I wasn’t. It never stopped me from trying. Even if I am able to finish, it's not always strong. Sometimes it’s more like dragging myself to the finish line and then falling into a pit as I cross the line.

I don’t know how many times I have tried to push myself into feeling normal when my mind and body begin to give out. ‘Normal is to be conforming to a standard; usual, typical, or expected.’ I only crave normalcy within my mind. I try not to get hung up on this anymore. I have come to a place of acceptance which is really what helps me to walk in my healing… but every now and then I want to be able to finish strong. What I am learning is that finishing strong looks different for everyone, even me.

If you guilt yourself into thinking that your best is not good enough, stop it. In the words of Arthur Ashe, “Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can.” This is one of my mantras. My efforts are good enough, and so is yours! No more comparing my new self with my old self. I have a new normal and I will appreciate every aspect of it because I am worth it. You’re worth it too!