It's Not About Me

Let me start by saying that I can get it wrong. Extra wrong! Even in my growth and healing I have doubts. I mean I cannot believe that God gave me the task of bringing awareness to mental health and mental wellness. Until Worth It I never understood the purpose of my story. I'm so humbled by the task, but honestly I have been feeling heavy lately. Worth It has literally given my life new meaning, but I was struggling with doubt. In one aspect it makes no sense to feel overwhelmed when it’s my story to tell or my emotions to share. On the other hand, Worth It was given to me by God and I place a lot of pressure on myself to get it right. This is where I missed the boat. My fear was stepping in and it had no place in the plans that were laid before me.

I shared my feelings with my therapist last week and she reminded me that it isn’t about me. My job is simply to be honest with where I was and where I am in my mental health journey. The rest will happen organically. Shout out to Lee! This makes sense but honestly it only settled my angst momentarily. I wasn’t able to write a post last week because I didn’t feel worthy of the task that I built up in my head. I could not share my story and how I now know that I am worth it if I didn’t understand the value of what I am working towards.

A couple of weeks ago I was triggered when I learned that Sinead O' Connor's 17 year old son took his own life (Shane). I was trying to process it. I felt a deep sadness because I know the mental anguish that he had to have been in. I have been in that dark place where I wanted to be better and I tried to be better, but I couldn't. I know that empty feeling because I felt empty. My heart broke for him. Then just days ago to learn that Regina King's son (Ian) died by suicide helped me to put things back into perspective. My urgency to act quickly outweighed my insignificant sadness for these two young men. I cried for both of them. I am still crying for them. I was them. I wanted to end the pain and I didn't feel like there was another way. I promise I'd been trying so hard to stop that pain. I don't think anyone can relate to that feeling of hopelessness unless they've been there. My story is just my name, my chosen method, and a different location. There are too many of me. There are too many Shanes. There are too many Ians.

I remember when Sandra Bland was murdered and there was the slogan "Say her name". I understood why it was important to not allow her death to become another headline. These young men struggled and found themselves in a place where they lost hope. Their names are important. They deserve more than to simply be a headline.

Mothers should not have to bury their children. Children should not have to grow up without a parent. Brothers, sisters, friends and family should not have to figure out the why that will haunt them as a result of losing a loved one by suicide. As a person who made an attempt I can tell you that the emptiness, hopelessness, and the pain that I carried were stronger than my understanding that I would leave my mom, my dad, my child, and my family and friends to deal with the unknown of why I took my life.

I now feel an urgency to bring awareness to mental health and wellness. This urgency that I feel regarding mental health and wellness is because I truly believe that I was spared to save 1 person. The thing is that I don't know who that person is. I don’t need to know who that person is. All I need to do is be about my Father’s business. I may never even know that that 1 person was saved, and that’s ok. All I need to know is that I did my part. I need to know that when people thought enough already I kept encouraging that 1 person to live. I cannot let doubt, fatigue or naysayers stop me. I don’t have a choice but to speak, blog, post, and listen because as my therapist reminded me last week it's not about me. It’s about that 1 person, and they're worth it. You’re worth it too.