A friend sent me a poem that Kanye (Ye) West released today. The title of it is Dead. To sum up the poem he fixates on the fact that no one told him he was dead. He meant this figuratively of course. I understood the poem. For Ye, it’s the lack of freedom that makes him feel dead. He wants to be able to put out art without question or judgment. This is not possible and there are definite consequences for his actions, most notably is the death of his marriage. Disclaimer: I am keenly aware that some of what Ye does is for shock value and artistic expression, but there is a part of his behavior that is deeply rooted in his mental illness. I won’t argue this point because outside of referencing this poem Ye has nothing to do with this post.
There is a part of the poem that resonates with me and that is the idea of feeling dead. When I was at my lowest there weren’t many signs of this dead feeling unless you lived with me. I was always bubbly. I never complained or talked about my problems to friends. I cried in silence when I was alone. This is how I operated for years. Mental illness does not always allow you to tell your own narrative. That is part of feeling dead.
I received a DM and a text about 2 separate incidents of suicide last week. The people who reached out just wanted me to know that they appreciate the work that I am doing. One of them said she just couldn’t believe it and didn’t understand why this young person took their own life. As I read her words I knew the answer to why this person took their life by suicide. I was that person. I didn’t know the details of what had happened, but I knew the story. It was the same as my story. The details might be different, but it’s the story of everyone who has attempted or succeeded at ending the pain that comes with feeling dead inside.
It’s the story of Katie Meyers who was a 22 year old soccer captain at Stanford University. She was a good student. She was a role model according to her teammates. Katie died by suicide. Unconfirmed reports have stated that Katie was up for disciplinary actions after an incident where she defended a teammate. No details outside of this have been released. This disciplinary action may have been the catalyst for her actions, but when I look at the interview that Katie’s parents did on the Today Show their words were all too familiar. She smiled all the time, she was jovial, she encouraged others, and was always there to help someone. Katie never let on that she was struggling with mental health issues. Her parents had actually spoken to her the day of her suicide. This is the part that leaves family and friends with the sting of not understanding the death by suicide of a loved one.
I cannot say it enough that mental illness does not look the same on everyone. You might not even know that the person is struggling with a mental illness. Keeping lines of communication open and allowing for vulnerability is important. One of the lies of depression is that it makes you feel like you’re alone. You are not alone. There is a village of people who may not even know you who are right there with you. Reach out. We can help prevent suicide. It may not be easy but it is definitely worth it!
*** If you or anyone you know is having a mental health crisis please seek help. You are not alone. Please contact The National Suicide Prevention Hotline for support at 1.800.273.8255. They are available 24 hrs a day/ 7 days a week/ 365 days a year.
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