Growing Up

On May 16th I turned 50. On May 23rd I found out just how much I had grown up. I made a huge decision to move to a different city not far from home! Yay me! It has caused a whirlwind of emotions for several people who are close to me. These are people who are in my inner circle who know my struggle with my mental health and who have seen me at my darkest hour, but they have also witnessed me grow and walk in my truth and healing. While I understand their trepidations surrounding the move, I know that I have to grow up.

Those who are questioning my move love me but are having a hard time not succumbing to their fear and the trauma caused by my mental illness, and I get it. Mental illness is not pretty. It can be scary for those who are closest to you to watch you become a shell of yourself and struggle. They have wiped tears, calmed irrational thoughts, comforted me through panic attacks, loved me through my attempt and my road to recovery following my attempt. I understand their feelings but I can no longer operate in fear. I have to grow up.

Something that I once considered a curse is actually a blessing. I cannot maintain employment. I was told not to work repeatedly since 2011. I have made several attempts but my mental health has caused me to not sustain a job for more than 2 or 3 years. I have had major losses that compound the situation including the loss of my grandmother and my father. Couple that with a child who struggles with their mental health and it becomes a little clearer why it has been challenging for me to maintain mental stability when working. Because I don’t work, I can live anywhere which is affording me this opportunity to spread my wings and grow up.

I can come up to attend church, major celebrations, and any of my medical needs. I have been doing tele-health with my psychiatrist since the start of the pandemic. My therapy is also done online. This means I have options regarding where I land. Growing up is a natural progression and there have been several things that have stunted my growth. I am working hard to deal with those things. Does this mean that everything in my life is all butterflies, no. It means I believe in myself and my growth enough to take a chance on living and not existing. I am so ready to grow up.

I encourage those who worry to know that I’m not even 2 hours away. I can come home at any time to hang out. I will have a support system. If this journey doesn’t turn out as I pray that it will, I am not too proud to come back home. Also, I want them to think about how they have wanted me to get to a place of strength, independence, and healing. I’m there now. This is a new phase in my life and I am excited to see where it takes me. I am growing up and I know that I am worth it! You’re worth it too.