Most of us have experienced some form of grief. Perhaps it was the grief of a marriage (2011), or the grief of a child not being dependent upon you anymore (2021), or the grief of a loved one who has passed away (1988, 1993, 1997, 2002, 2017, 2020, 2021). It doesn’t matter what or who you are grieving the pain of grief can take a random Sunday in December and turn it into a wake without warning.
My daddy passed away on March 12, 2020, but I have struggled with the loss of my dad since Jan 6, 2020 when he told me he would no longer go to dialysis. He said he was tired. He had kidney failure among many other health issues. When he chose not to return to dialysis I knew there was only one way that things would turn out. I watched the decline and pain that he suffered as a result of his decision to stop dialysis. I knew that with the toxins that were usually removed during dialysis building up in his system he would die. He knew it too.
My heart broke a little every day from Jan 6, 2020 to March 12, 2020. My heart was shattered when my daddy told me to call hospice so that he could die at home. My heart was heavy when junk food was unappealing and he stopped eating. I was overwhelmed when he would go in and out of lucidity. I'll admit a couple of those moments were hilarious, but most of those moments were very sad. My emotions were all over the place when the toxins had built up to a point that he began to get confused at night. I cried when he became aware that he needed around the clock care because he never wanted to rely on anyone. Shout out to my Aunt Pat, Dave, Mr. Sonny, and Niecy for being there when I couldn't be there. I was devastated when he stopped being able to speak and could only make sounds. Even more saddening was March 9, 2020. March 9, 2020 was the last day that my daddy responded to me. He would try to squeeze my finger or try to give me a weakened kiss, but that was taken away that day.
I sometimes think of those moments that I grieve as gifts. Small gifts that couldn’t appreciate before that time. For example, I was able to watch boring cowboy movies with him in the morning after Let’s Make a Deal went. He loved cowboy movies! I wonder if he would've liked The Harder They Fall. When his friends would come by they would tell stories that I’d never heard and he’d fuss because he didn’t want his angel to hear those stories. My dad wasn't a big talker but he would have moments that he had a lot to say. It was during one of those moments that I was able to ask him why he called me Angel. He said he called me Angel because I was his angel. He made it sound so matter of fact. I was looking for something more profound.
My father passed away on March 12, 2020. We buried him on March 17, 2020. The world began slowly shutting down around March 15, 2020 because of Covid-19. I prayed everyday that I would be able to bury my daddy. I was fortunate that I was able to bury him before things were shut down, but I had to grieve alone. I wasn’t able to be surrounded by friends and loved ones. I wasn’t able to go and lay on my mom’s bed and cry. I wasn’t able to go out and have drinks just to get my mind off of things. I wasn’t able to bury myself in work. I was just left with the void that grief brings. I’m sure none of these things would’ve helped but I’ll never know.
In October 2020 I decided that I would start grief counseling because the grief I was experiencing after losing my father was like nothing I’d experienced before. I learned to give myself grace in my grief. I learned that while there are identifiable stages of grief there is no rhyme or reason as to when those stages would manifest. So on a random Sunday in December 2021 I extended myself grace. I cried. I mourned the loss of my daddy. My eyes burned and I eventually fell asleep. All of that was ok.
I want to share some truths that I have found as I heal: Grief counseling is helpful. Grief hits differently with each loss. No one can tell you how to grieve. Give yourself grace as you grieve. If you find yourself sucked into a tailspin of grief on a random day it’s ok. Take care of yourself because that will be the thing that gets you through those random days of all consuming grief.
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