A misconception that people make regarding depression is that it shows up as sadness. Depression can manifest in countless ways. One of the ways that I don't particularly care for is anger. Because I struggle with my emotions and how to express them appropriately anger is not something that I have dealt with very well.
There are times that I feel anger based on what someone says or does, but instead of expressing it I stuff it. It's not the only emotion that I stuff but I definitely stuff anger more than any other emotion. What I have learned over time is one of two things to be true when it comes to unresolved anger. If anger is not dealt with appropriately you will either explode or you will implode. I have done both. In order to spare someone else's feelings I don't say how their words or behavior have made me feel. Ultimately the anger that I feel towards them I internalize and project it onto myself. It's like a rabbit hole that I can't climb out of.
I've had a couple of moments in my lifetime that I've not been proud of as a result of my ill placed anger. The biggest implosion happened because I held in the anger I felt when my marriage ended. I was beyond angry because of the infidelity and lies, but like a good Southern Bell I was going to kill my ex with kindness. There are times that it's ok to go ham and this was one of those times! The problem was I didn't know how to be that mad and still make it to heaven. No lie! My mind played out all of these sinister plots. I'd get him fired, sue him, or get him arrested. Instead I decided to go out with grace and my demure exit nearly cost me my life.
I pride myself with acting with class and decorum. throwing, smashing, cutting, or slashing things is just not my style, but therein lies the problem. I didn't react to the situation at hand appropriately. I put on my happy face, pretended to be strong, and then I imploded. Don't get me wrong I don't think it would have been appropriate to do any of the aforementioned things either but there had to be a medium. I could have cursed or something at least. I just didn't know how to do it. I mean I loved my husband. I couldn't just turn off my love for him because of a mistake that he made? Have you ever heard the saying that if you don't love yourself you can't love anyone else? I'd like to add, if you can't be angry with anybody else you definitely can be angry with yourself.
It took a while for me to learn how to identify what emotions I felt and how to express them, and I'd like to go on record to say that anger is not the only emotion that I did not know how to properly display. I am working on being honest, honest with myself and honest with others about how I am feeling. I'm also learning that even if I don't express my feelings in the moment it does not mean that I cannot express them later. It's finding balance for me. Calling someone after I've had time to process my feelings has been helpful for me. I'm learning to be genuine when l express my emotions. I'm also learning to discuss how things make me feel even if it's uncomfortable (for me or the other person). I give myself grace to go back and revisit my feelings with people when I am unable to do so at the moment something occurs. I have found this to be very beneficial for me. When I am unable to process things independently I talk it through during therapy. I've found my voice and that's pretty dope!
***Shameless Plug...This is my birthday blog. I will be 50 on May 16th!!! I am so proud of the growth that I'm experiencing as a result of this journey! I truly hope that Worth It is helping you to grow as well because I happen to think you're worth it. There are some wonderful things going on in May because it's Mental Health Awareness Month. If you haven't checked out my YouTube channel, now is a great time to do so (https://youtube.com/channel/UCUe_MRBuUAaRwXSC-TSPkmw). I'm highlighting individuals who are diagnosed with mental illness and allowing them to tell their stories. You can also see additional mental health moments on Facebook @worthit and Instagram @lornawhood.
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