A therapist told me a long time ago that we train people to treat us how they treat us. It was the most eye opening statement that I'd ever heard! It took me years to get to a place where I could apply this to my life consistently and set clear boundaries for how I would allow people to treat me. I'm not talking about people being rude to me or people mishandling me intentionally. I'm talking about those favors that are inconvenient or the outlandish requests that friends and family make of me. I’m talking about when the request is so ridiculous you don't know how to respond. Perhaps someone asks you to co-sign on a loan and because you’ve not learned to set boundaries you end up with a potential hit to your credit. You might be the parent that ends up taking kids home after practice only to get a wave from their mom in her robe as she receives her child. There was a time when I would not only allow people to inconvenience me, but I would have the nerve to be upset at myself for allowing them to do so.
While there was a time when no matter the request I would yield and say yes, those days are far gone. I am the queen of saying no to something that doesn't serve me. However, there was a learning curve to learning to say no to people. Reteaching people how to treat me was a big task. I worked with my therapist for quite some time to learn how to say no without explanation. My explanations for no were rooted in the guilt I felt in regards to saying no. I was still mistreating myself whether I was saying yes or no to something outlandish. I didn’t initially understand why I felt guilty for standing up for myself.
Some of the guilt that I experienced after learning to say no was embedded in my being a people pleaser. The weird thing about having depression is I know what it feels like to experience feelings of being overwhelmed, helpless, panicked, trapped, anxious, and so many other things. My intention was to make other people feel better. I’m an encourager so this is still my desire. I just no longer make people happy at my expense.
The curveball was, as I was reteaching everyone how I am to be treated, I had to learn how to treat myself better as well. I'm kind of proud of myself because I realize the amount of work it took for me to get here. One of the questions that I often ask myself is why am I answering yes or answering no. There should be a good reason for whichever response I give. There have been times that I have slipped into old patterns but here lately I've been crystal clear on what I will and will not do. I understand the importance of knowing how far I am willing to go to serve others before I care for myself. I’m worth choosing my well-being and so are you!
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