One thing I am learning about mental illness as a result of the blog is that people are still afraid to talk about mental illness. I have people text, dm, and call me often because the blog triggered something in them. Actually, Worth It is doing incredibly well! Shout out to y’all! Yes I say y’all. The Worth It merch is selling better than I could’ve imagined. So why so ho hum you ask? It’s because I know that if people could get it, I mean really get it, we could save lives.
I have suffered in silence for most of my life. I rarely felt safe enough to share all that I was experiencing. Even when I did share my issues I would tone it down because I didn’t want to worry anyone. As a result family and friends would use words like emotional, sensitive, cry baby to describe me. While all of these words may fit me at any given moment, they do not describe my illness. Overwhelmed, anxious, tired, annoyed, alone, empty, detached are better words to describe depression. These adjectives do a better job of painting a picture of my mental illness. And yes mental illness is too broad of a topic to sum up in a few descriptive words. Because I personally know the magnitude of the topic, I am even more aware of the need for uncomfortable conversations to be had.
I am not trying to pretend that I don’t understand why mental illness is hard to discuss. It is a scary topic. It can be a challenging topic for me to discuss and I live with it. I can tell you about different situations that I have experienced as a result of my depression, but it is very hard to explain my depression. I can tell you that I can’t just get over it. I can tell you that I have tried to pray it away. I can share that it is exhausting. I can also share that it could be a movie, a song, a comment, or nothing at all that sets into motion one of my depressive episodes. I can tell you that it can last 3 days, 3 weeks, 3 months or even 3 years. I am aware that if I have a hard time explaining all that mental illness entails that it might be a bit too daunting for someone who may not have as wide of a scope to talk about.
What I do know is that I really want to be able to help people and the need for conversation feels urgent to me. I share my story because I know that while others may not know what to ask, something that I have gone through may resonate with someone. Maybe you see yourself, your child, or a loved one in my story. Maybe your friend or loved one succeeded where I failed. Ouch! I know that one hurt, but it is beyond true. I felt the failure of not succeeding at my suicide attempt. That’s why we have to talk about it. It’s too serious a matter to not try, and that’s really all I am asking is that we try.
I’ll admit that I’m part of the problem. Instead of sitting in my truth I often joke about my “quirks”. It is a coping skill that I want to unlearn. I laugh and joke about it because it is easier than being judged. Pretending like it’s no big deal is less scary than sharing all of yourself and being rejected. Again, I know it’s a tough topic, but I’m willing to put in the work if you are. Wouldn’t you agree that it's worth it?
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