Big Facts

Here are a few facts about me: I am an empath. I have a hard time regulating my emotions. Depression can be a very heavy topic, even for me.

Empath

I’m an empath. I literally feel other people’s pain. If you want to see me cry then you just start crying. As a result of me truly feeling people’s emotions I have found myself in situations that weren’t what was best for me and my mental health. I have given money to people when I really didn’t have it to give. I have volunteered to run errands when I was mentally and physically depleted. I’m not sure why I did these things, but thank the Lord for deliverance! Don’t misunderstand me, I’m still an empath and I still struggle with putting what’s best for me first from time to time. However, I am so much better.

A friend once shared a video of Lexi as she spoofed the tv show Bewitched on Ghetto Bewitched. There is a spot in the video where Lexi goes on and on about how she can’t. She said things like, “ I tried, and you what I found out that I can’t.”, “I researched it and I found out that I can’t.”, I looked into it and I found out that I can’t.” It's hilarious! There is a lesson that I needed to learn from this comedian and that is that I don’t have to do everything for everyone or be everything for everyone just because I empathize with them.

Regulating Emotions

I have a love-hate relationship with my emotions. I love that I feel so deeply. I also hate that I feel so deeply. My grandmother used to tell me that I had no in-between. She would say that I was either laughing or crying, but never at peace. I would laugh at this when I was young, but as I got older and had to deal with trying to regulate my emotions it wasn’t funny at all. I remember when I was at a very low place after my attempt and my grandmother said, I just want you to be happy again. This memory brings tears to my eyes because I now realize that my grandmother was making an observation when she said I had not in-between, she wasn’t making a joke like I initially thought. She was a loving grandmother who noticed a problem that she couldn’t fix. Shout out to my grandmother, my guardian angel.

The Heaviness of Depression

One of the factors when deciding what to write in the blog is never wanting to write from a place of inauthenticity. This week I struggled because I sometimes feel that the topic of mental illness is too heavy and I don't want to come off as a Debbie Downer. The truth is depression is serious and I don't want to diminish the seriousness of the illness. While I have come along way in my journey with depression there are times that I feel that there’s a scarlet letter of shame that I wear. I share my journey to normalize the struggle of living with a mental illness.

I am 49. My mental illness diagnosis is Major Depressive Disorder Recurrent with Psychotic features. I have been in mental health treatment for the last 18 years. My current treatment plan includes weekly therapy, intentional self-care, and a medication cocktail of Effexor, Lamictal, Trazodone, and Saphris. Sidenote, I do not believe that everyone needs medication. Your treatment plan is for you and my treatment plan is for me. It takes a lot to maintain my mental wellness and it took a while for me to understand that. There were times that I let the scarlet letter of depression undermine my wellness. That is no longer the case. I now understand that even with all that is involved for me being mentally healthy I am worth it, and so are you!