Anxiety

Depression and anxiety often go hand in hand. I have an underlying sense of worry and angst most of the time, and the thing is anxiety has no rhyme or reason to it. I read a lot of scripture and do a lot of self-talk to try and combat those feelings. With all of my efforts I haven’t quite mastered my anxiety. My symptoms are feeling tense, my heart racing, hyperventilating, constant worrying, sweating, and feeling like I might pass out. While my underlying anxiety is almost always present it is nothing compared to my social anxiety!

Imagine being at an Open House for your child and you feel like the number of people all of a sudden doubled. Faces that would otherwise be friendly are suffocating you at that moment. With every nod you feel hotter. With every mumbled hello you feel as if your throat receives less oxygen. You're looking for a way out but can't find one quick enough. What happens next is the panic. You have to get out before you are swallowed whole by these feelings. Your child sees you and instantly knows what is happening. He tells you to go to the car. Somehow you make it to the car and no one's the wiser. That's exactly what happened at Open House of Jeremy's 10th grade year.

Social anxiety is a beast of a different color. Most people would never think that I have social anxiety because I can be the life of any party. One thing I learned a long time ago was how to wear my mask. See Masks blog. It helps me when I go into an event with an exit plan, but sometimes it's not the exit, it's getting to an event. If I can get to a function I have mastered about 80% of my anxiety. I'm not proud of it but flaking out is my claim to fame. My favorite excuse in the past was my son. I could pour into him within the confines of my home instead of having to put my mask on. In the mask I smile, laugh, make pleasantries but feel a great deal of anxiety inside. My anxiety is an equal opportunity time snatcher. I could be with lifelong friends, family, acquaintances or strangers and it all feels the same for the most part. I always have to talk myself into going and I always scope out my exit plan upon entering. Sometimes I come with an excuse while other times I bolt. If you have ever experienced the fight or flight feeling then you can grasp the feeling I have upon leaving the sanctity of my home.

Home is where I can cry without questions. Home is where I can call my mom in the midst of a panic attack and she can somehow get me through it without physically being there. Home is where my anxiety is just a ruffle below the surface instead of a geyser spewing out everywhere.

I recently saw on tv where a woman had a panic attack while in public (altered fact for privacy). My stomach was in knots just listening because that's what's at the heart of my anxiety. What if I can't make it out in time?! What if in the middle of 10th grade Open House my greatest fear would've come to pass and I lay exposed?! Dealing with depression is different because I can hide it from the world if I so choose, which I don't. Anxiety robs you of the ability to hide because once a certain level of anxiety is reached you're outed by a panic attack.

Anxiety may be a part of me but I'm a fighter. I work hard to face my social anxiety head on. If I didn't I would miss out on life. This year as a part of my wellness journey I have not said no to any social outing, and I have enjoyed each event. I would be lying if I said I didn't experience any anxious moments. I was actually in the Bahamas on a wonderful vacation with an amazing group of people. I still had to take a timeout from everyone. I made my time out a spa day. I won! I not only experienced a wonderful vacation and memories I couldn't pay for, but I also took a deep breath in a way that provided me with the time I needed to recharge in a very self-loving manner. No one was aware. I typically travel with my sister so if I needed additional support I knew she would be there. We have to learn to be kind to ourselves. Understanding our struggles and not hiding from them is how progress is made. We have to put in the work! Having an exit plan is a tool that helps me. Find out what helps you. You are worth it.