Again

One of my best friends said that she hoped she wasn’t going to offend me when she made a comment and asked a question. Keep in mind she has known me at my lowest points and has seen the growth. Her statement/ question was that I appear to be doing well and could I explain my depression. I am simplifying both the comment and the question. I explained about my low energy and motivation and how on bad days I stay in bed unable to do much else. I also explain that I have crying spells that have no rhyme, reason, or trigger. Because she loves me and has seen my progress she began to express that all of these things are valid and she experiences many of them as well. I think I ended the conversation with a joke about the difference is that the government gives me a check and that they don’t give checks out to just anyone (again paraphrasing).

This conversation got me thinking about one of the worst parts about having a Major Depressive Disorder is not being able to adequately explain it. I cannot put into words that I would give anything for a 6 to 8 hour night’s sleep. It’s hard to put into words all of the little things that I have to do to get through the day. I haven't been able to explain that I lie to spare others discomfort, and although I am really open about my journey on my blog and on social media I also undershare with family and close friends. Sharing those things randomly makes them seem more palatable. Explaining your coping skills of using humor to deflect from emotionally challenging moments changes the narrative of how funny I am. I mean I’m funny but sometimes the hehe hahas are all smoke and mirrors.

Then there are the tough love/ motivational talks that I endure from everyone who wants what’s best for me. My mom is concerned about my weight. Me too. I don’t have the energy to cook so I eat salad and soup out of convenience but then I’ll eat a bag of chips. I know that exercise is good for my mood but lately I have used all of my energy to exist. Don’t get me wrong I have had some joyous moments, but I have struggled to get back in the groove of life since I made the 3 big moves since last June. To those who don’t struggle with or believe in mental illness these are considered excuses so I lie.

Yep, I’m back to lying. I am not suicidal or even in the throws of a bad depressive episode but I am not at my strongest and I can’t use my energy to reassure others that I am ok… and I am ok. I cannot imagine the trauma that those who love me dealt with as a result of my attempt but I cannot let that be the reason that I slip into old patterns. That’s another thing: the never ending cycle of my illness is exhausting!

I’ll never stop fighting for mental balance. I know that I am worth the fight. I know that my battle is worth sharing because someone needs to feel seen. This includes the high and the lows. In writing today’s blog I am faced with once again rewriting my mental health playbook because the one that I have been using is no longer working. This is not unusual. It is actually a sign of growth in my healing that I recognize the need to pivot.

I will stop lying to spare others. I will have to limit my talk time because silence and quietness are an important part of my self-preservation. I will rest. I will create a schedule so that I am more productive. I will give myself grace. I move more. I will not buy anymore chips. I will increase my therapy sessions. No will more than likely be my response to requests. This is where I will start. I am worth starting again. You’re worth it too, so don’t give up because you have to start over!

***If you or someone you know is struggling or in crisis please call or text 988 the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline.