Semicolon;

“ I began to understand that my pain might be able to help someone get to the other side of their semicolon. ”

My story with mental health began when I was a child. I had numerous neurological issues and I just never felt normal. I had bell's palsy on 3 occasions at ages 6,8 and 12. I suffered from seizures. I also suffered from migraines. I began taking medicine for my physical issues as a teen and it impacted my life. To be honest, the meds started me on a pity party that I wasn’t able to shake until I was 48. In high school my depression was determined to be situational. I lived in a house where I witnessed verbal and physical spousal abuse. I would often close my door and listen to music as an escape. When I went to college, while I had many fun times, I never truly felt like I fit so life-long friends were hard to make. I followed rules and went to church but while I believe God’s Word to be true I didn’t believe it was true for me. I got married at 25. I had my son at 30. I was doing all of the “right” things but I never felt “right”. I was different and at the time I thought that meant I was unworthy of a lot of things. I was sickly, clumsy, chunky, and I wore the scarlet letter of my mental illness. The marriage that I worked so hard to keep together ended when my husband chose his mistress instead of his marriage. In my mind this validated my unworthiness. It was the final blow to my emotional fragility. I lost my husband, I lost my house, and even worse I lost me. I pretended that I was ok until I couldn't pretend anymore. On Labor Day weekend of 2011 I attempted to take my life. I was really close to succeeding too. There was a long hard road to recovery from the shame and blame that I took on as a part of my suicide attempt. My mom and a really great group of people became my support system. They fought hard for my mental wellness when I didn’t have the strength to do it. My daddy encouraged me even when he wasn’t able to manage his own physical and mental health. I am so grateful for everyone who stood in the gap with my son during my struggles. Eventually I had enough strength to try again. I went back to work, but became overwhelmed after just 2 years and eventually my psychiatrist took me off of work indefinitely. This was another hit to my self-esteem and I began to question my value once again. I was unsure about my future and my ability to care for my son so I busied myself with tasks. These tasks did not help me in any way. I began to suffer in silence once again. I would periodically break down in silence, question my sanity in silence, and doubt my worth in silence. It would seem that I would come so far only to slip into old patterns. Then came 2020. Before the world was rocked and shut down due to Covid-19 my world was rocked with the illness and passing away of my daddy. The funny thing is though that 2020 is truly when my semicolon was placed in my incomplete sentence. I began to go to the gym. I began intense therapy, which I do every Monday to this day. I began to understand that my pain might be able to help someone get to the other side of their semicolon. I also began to live. Somewhere during my life I got really good at existing, yet in the throes of a pandemic and extreme grief I learned to live. You can too because you are worth it!