FINE

Some of my most challenging times came as a result of lying. When I was trying not to be a burden or worry anyone I would lie and say that I was FINE. It got to a point where I was lying to myself. I would put on my happy face, lie to myself and carry on as if I were not’ broken and lost within.

The amount of energy that I used lying to myself and others could have been used to work towards getting better. The thing about depression is it is a rabbit hole that can be hard to climb out of. I would be in the middle of a depressive episode. I would use the energy that I needed to fight through to reassure others that I was FINE. Using my energy to reassure others depleted me emotionally which made it even harder to get past a depressive episode.

Elizabeth, my therapist at the time, told me that FINE is an automatic lie response that people with depression use. It stands for “frustrated, insecure, neurotic, and emotional”. I would say that I was FINE because I didn’t want to bother anyone, because I felt that no one would understand what I was feeling, and because I didn’t have the energy or words to explain what I was feeling. She taught me how to get out of the rabbit hole of depression quicker than I had ever been able to before by doing 3 things:

I WOULD HAVE TO EXPRESS HOW I WAS FEELING WITH ANY WORD OTHER THAN FINE. My go-to response is “ok”. This feels slightly more honest because I wasn’t great but I wasn’t at my lowest either.

I COULD HAVE 3 DAYS TO LEAN INTO MY DEPRESSION INSTEAD OF FIGHTING IT. During these days I would give myself permission to rest without guilt. At the end of those 3 days it was my responsibility to use the energy that I didn’t use to fight my way through the episode using the tools that I’d learned to survive. Things like showering, cleaning my room, going outside, doing some form of movement were just some of the things in my toolbox that I used to work through a depressive episode.

I ALSO WOULD HAVE TO TRY TO IDENTIFY MY TRIGGER AND TRY TO GAIN UNDERSTANDING AS TO WHY IT TRIGGERED ME. This was/ is much harder for me. To be honest this rarely helped me through a current episode but the more I was able to identify and understand my triggers I was able to better protect myself from my triggers in the future. This took years to learn how to do.

I’m currently working through a depressive episode. Yesterday was 2 of 3 that I’m allowed to lean into the episode. I’m staying with my mom who is triggered when I have a depressive episode so I’ve had to use a little more energy than I typically would on my lean-in days. This will be a discussion that I’ll have to have with her when I’m back to 100% because I know that it is not good for my mental health to rush through my process just so that she doesn’t worry.

One of the really good things about this blog is that it holds me accountable. I am forced to put in the work. If I am slacking in one area, like self-care, Worth It is a reminder to get back on track. I never want to operate out of a place of inauthenticity when sharing my journey. That would not serve anyone. I share my journey in hopes of helping those who struggle with mental illness know that they are not alone. I also share my story to bring awareness to those who need insight into what mental health looks like and feels like. I am unapologetic in my honesty because I am often reminded of the need to have mental health conversations when I get calls, texts, or DMs requesting mental health resources or simply wanting a listening ear. These moments remind me that there was a purpose for my pain. It reminds me that my life is worth the work that I put into walking in my mental health healing. Your life is worth it too!