No

I have a habit of being overly helpful. What’s that mean? Being overly helpful is when I am so busy helping others that I end up overwhelmed. I know what it’s like to feel stressed, so I try to help others so they won’t feel stressed. I know what it’s like to feel like you’re in it all by yourself, so I try to help others so that they won’t feel like they have to do it all alone. The problem with being overly helpful is it can sometimes be hurtful to my mental well-being. I often tell my son, “ You can’t save someone from drowning if you can’t swim.”. What I mean by this is when helping someone shakes your well-being you must step back.

I am a helper by nature. I want everyone to win. I just haven’t figured out the balance between being helpful and drowning. My inability to maintain the balance can be my unraveling. I have found myself in the fetal position crying on numerous occasions because I wanted to be helpful. I have found myself engulfed by the very stress that I didn’t want them to feel.

I often visit the guilt that I feel when telling someone no during therapy. I have found that I rarely say no because, for me, no is attached to being selfish. When I say no I feel an unhealthy level of guilt. Many times my reason for agreeing to help can turn from a pure motive of support to a means to an end. I’d rather help than feel the guilt associated with saying no.

How do I choose between guilt and being overwhelmed? It can definitely be a challenge, but therapy has given me so many useful tools. For example, did you know that no is a complete sentence?! Did you know that when you say no you don’t have to explain why?! Did you know it’s ok if you are uncomfortable about saying no?! I have had to learn these things are true. It is also true that you can care for someone and empathize with their situation and still say no. No is not a weapon to be used to make someone feel bad. No is a tool for you to use when saying yes does not serve your wellness.

It took years for me to understand that I could say no. Honestly, this continues to be a struggle for me. I set boundaries. I’m coasting along in my appropriate balance of yes and no when wham, I’ve done it again! I have overwhelmed myself with all of the yeses to help family and friends. When I find that I have done it again I forgive myself. I am a work in progress. Re-evaluating my boundaries is something that I will continue to work on because I am worth the peace that balance brings me. Prayerfully, you can start choosing your well-being over someone else's needs because you are worth it!